There will be times in life when you experience things that are so discomforting and difficult that you may find yourself developing means of coping with those experiences. You may also find that even after experiencing the traumatic, depressing or painful event you are still reminded of the event years later, during some completely unrelated, but similar event. This may then lead you to engaging in those coping behaviors which, unfortunately, may have negative effects which begin to compound over time.
For the sake of clarity. Some of the painful experiences you may experience in life are these:
- Death of a loved one
- Loss (of any kind)
- Repeated failures
- Divorce, breakups, heartbreak etc
Coping habits are not necessarily all bad, some of them are quite beneficial to you. However, the true benefits of a coping mechanism can be determined by how much healing they yield you. Remember, our goal is not to just LIVE with the fact that what happened happened. Our goal here is to THRIVE from it. This is the difference between letting the shit pile up on your doorstep and using that same shit as manure to grow your crops (life, results, goals etc).
Now, examples of coping mechanisms:
- Isolating, disappearing from the world
- Emotional breakdowns
- Sexual affairs, rebounding
- Smoking, drinking, drugging, partying
- Praying, meditating, yoga-ing (if you will)
- Daydreaming, visualizing
- Watching TV, Binge watching Netflix
- Relocating (one hundred and eleven times, like I have) etc
Some possible triggers which may cause you to recall those painful experiences, and thus perpetuate your coping habits are:
- People, places, things, phrases, scents, holidays/events, etc that remind of you the person or experience
- Therapy wherein you must rehash the painful situation over and over again, with no apparent end in sight (although I have nothing at all against regularly seeing and speaking with a qualified and helpful therapist. Did I mention I have a Psychology degree? I'm not a therapist, but I've seen my share of therapists over the years, and I loved it.)
- Being blamed, guilt-tripped, or shamed for the situation by yourself and anyone else etc
Basically, you leave yourself open to be triggered until you actually resolve to begin healing the past and the emotions you have attached to it. The fact of the matter is healing comes from giving situations new meanings, changing your beliefs, upgrading your thought patterns, knowing your worth, trusting yourself, loving yourself, giving yourself some ideals/goals/dreams/desires to move toward, deciding to be happy, being persistent. Forgiveness (of yourself and others). Serving. Giving. Working. I believe all of these things help. They have worked extraordinarily well for me.
The most important thing in supporting myself in healing and joy, has been desiring healing and joy like I desire my life.
Is it easy? No sir-ee. I am not saying it is. It's tougher than a bitch.
But, is it necessary for healing? Yes. Yes, I find that it is!
So, I'd like you to do something for yourself. I've found this to be tremendously helpful, in my life. I'm someone who has been rejected countless times (because life, plus I'm human and everyone isn't going to like me), I've been married and divorced twice. I've been in two abusive relationships. I was sick for 6 straight years. I have suffered through two major depressions in my life, one of which left me on suicide watch. (Now, you know who you're taking advice from. I will not blame you for running for the hills. But, please keep in mind, that I live a pretty peaceful and all around happy life now, and I express myself fully and brilliantly).
Now, I would never lie to you and say that everyday is a perfectly blissful day. Again, I'm human, so obviously I get in my hurt, sad or angry feelings from time-to-time (and I usually enjoy them, maybe too much). But, I am telling you that most of my days are pretty darn good. I am genuinely happy, and I believe this is why...
Pretty good quote, huh? I think so. But, then, I've also heard it stated as follows...
I have discovered that feeling sad or hopeless feels EXACTLY the same as stuck. Take just a moment and ask yourself if you can relate. I realized that those moments when I felt sad, I also felt like the bullshit wouldn't stop, like there was no way to get outside of or beyond it. I felt like this would be my life forever (especially when I was married to my ex, Mr. Not Important). When I was sick and in excruciating pain every single day and low-key dependent on pain medications, do you know what I did?
I started a project. I started praying for 90 consecutive days. I released one video every day. It was the only time of day that I was on Cloud 9. I have learned that it was because I was persistently working, serving, giving, being purposeful, and PROGRESSING. If you'd like to listen to some of the prayers, check them out here.
Now, as for the project I'd like you to work on for yourself, to begin relieving some of your emotional and psychological pain and to begin feeling happier and better, overall. First, if you already have ideas of projects that you've been desiring to begin, list them.
However, if you don't know what projects you'd like to work on, start by writing out a list of all the contrast. What are the things, in your life, that bother you the most? What is tearing at you and making you feel stuck?
- Write out a list of all the things in your life that you are no longer pleased with.
- Write out what you'd like to experience instead.
- Prioritize the list of what's most important to you.
For me, priorities tend to flow from Spiritual -> Health -> Personal Development -> Work -> Finances -> Relationships (friends & family) -> Partnership -> Recreation/Lifestyle. However, my coach's coach suggests that we begin maintaining at lease one goal in the three major life areas of Spirit (relationships), Mind (work, finances) and Body (fitness, energy). You may choose whatever priorities work for you.
Once you have these lists complete, figure out the item(s) you'd like to begin working on, now. Set a goal. And, get started! If you'd like a coaching session or a reading, contact me. I am always here for you.