Come see what happens when the world leaves me alone with my thoughts. Watch my heart spill 'pon this screen right-quick.
I've loved every mistake I've ever made - even marrying my bitch-snake of a second husband, even leaving my saint-king of a first Husband.
Mistakes are talismans and keepsakes collected along the roads of a life well-lived and played-out to points of exhausted ecstasy and back up to sky-highs of energetic explosion. I've loved each and every one of my mistakes.
Returning to the desert-valley of Nevada was a mistake - the best one I've made in a long damn time and it's evidence that Ayo, my favorite Witch-Queen (ME!) is still alive, well, and warm. I'm still here witches!!
Pull up a chair and let me spell/spill out the recent trick Spirit played on me, baba legba style.
Before, relocating this (divine) eleventh time, I went home to Upstate New York, where I'm from to live with my Mama, of all people. It was as difficult as I expected it to be, but more than that, it was Paradise (if Paradise was a farmhouse too close to the North Pole). My Sisters were there. My real and forever Blood-Sisters, and I fell with them and our entire family, all over again. They are my Heaven on Earth, my heart.
My sisters are funny, quirky, strange, witchy, and very odd. They remind me of our collective history while inspiring and propelling me toward a limitlessly expansive future. I love them like they came through me. I love them like sunrise, like they are my harvest, myself.
Still, I chose to come to the desert, where wind-whipped quartz sands and golden lights glisten and blaze beneath the steady weight of a proud African-esque sun. I chose to come for opportunity, as is popular with Westward voyagers. I came and was met with wet-mop variety attitudes and girls who don't do what they say they will (which is the most frightening and unstable type of female). Offerings dissolved into thin air and, worse still, plans were eluded and bailed on. But, I stuck to the plan and have prospered quickly.
At first, there were emotions - all the red-hot kinds. Anger. Rage. Ayo was livid and loud. But, underneath all that hot-shit were the bluer emotions: Sadness. Loneliness. And, the bleakest of all, fear.
But, I am a Woman after God's own heart, a modern-day David (Dawood). I know enough of Spirit to know this: She takes every situation and uses it for my good. Without drawing this story out and overemphasizing unimportant details, events, or people, let's move on to the morals, shall we?
Here's what I learned:
1. Every Vegas transplant knows (whether consciously or unconsciously) that Vegas is difficult because its lessons are immediate. To resist the lessons of the desert is to bring pain upon yourself. I think if Kali-ma was a place she'd be part-Vegas, no doubt. But, like the Hindu goddess, Vegas only becomes hurtful when we continue resisting the necessary and eminent change. And, make no mistake, changes are rapid-fire in the desert.
2. The best thing I did for myself in the clutches of solemn disappointment and imaginary-betrayal was to use my eyes to search for the Truth in the situation.
3. No one can do anything to me. These witches ain't above Universal Law. I'm no one's victim and I'm a solid team player, I know. I'm an asset irrespective of location, situation, or time. Others not recognizing and maximizing that does not detract one iota from the remaining fact. I am the shit. And, so are you. Folks who can't see it or act like they can't aren't (on) your team or tribe no matter how desperately you may desire them to be. Furthermore, my life experience is my creation and I'm awake to this reality and Grand Truth. Some deluded part of me thought I came to the desert to be with others. I didn't. I came to be with ME. I am a Universe within myself and all who ENCOUNTER me will be blessed. Bottom line.
4. There is no combination of words in multiple languages or degree of pure, positive intent that I can hold or emit or transmit or express that will ever convince someone to yield when, in effect, I am begging them to allow me to help them. There's some mental disease involved in the thoughts that evolve into that desire, besides. I am here to help myself and those who deserve my help. I'm committed. I'm exclusive, now. It's a new day. I'm free and Spirit has already delivered on this more mature and realistic intention. Appreciation for this fact spirals inside of my mind and heart like glitter in a snow globe.
5. Someone said to me recently that she didn't want me to feel unworthy of her friendship. As if, she could ever draw down enough ethereal stuff from the Multiverse to empower her to conjure an activity that could ever call my inalienable and irrevocable worthiness into question. I learned, some people are so off topic they couldn't begin to understand the actual issues. In which case, arguing or even speaking, is a sheer/utter/strict waste of the Breath.
6. Solitude is a refuge. I'm working elite majik and casting prayers expertly with all this new, glorious, bright space around ME.
7. And, the best lesson yet: Depending on other people (especially ones who cannot depend on themselves) is insanity when Spirit is so big and available and ready. I AM reliable. Standing on my own two feet feels amazing. I do what I say (eventually) and I can rely on myself because GOD IS WITH...ME!