God is the bare maximum, the essential thing, my whole family, my one true friend.
I have seen the blood-soaked fangs of selfishness in every direction I've looked - a projected, fabricated idea that has assumed it better to bring others into my plans and to put others before the Self.
That's dead now.
I feel different, brand new. Like I could delve into my Shadow Nature like Alice in Wonderland, for pure fun. If only, if only I did not hate wasting my time. If only, if only I did not know, believe and understand that prayer is the highest, most effective form of majik in the world. Maybe in the entire cosmos.
I prayed and Spirit stilled me and made me witness Her in the midst of me. Most High God, closer than my breathing is to me, empowering and compelling me to let go of every wretched thing, habit, relationship and memory that does not benefit, serve, support and love me, the way I deserve and desire to be loved.
There is a dragon inside of me. Do NOT infuriate her.
Weren't you there? The night I drugged my husband and robbed him blind? I was in love with him too...Once.
It seems that no matter how long people have known me or how much they claim to love me, they refuse to stop themselves from slinging flaming shit at that inner dragon.
Why don't you know that anger is addictive? How could you not see that your actions would piss me off?
She's up now. The Dragon. Mad as fuck. But, not beyond forgiveness. Not out of my control.
I lit incense. Listened to Andre 3000 and Erykah Badu's most recent duet on repeat. Read Sister Souljah (that's the favorite). Cleaned my home. Smoked a cigar. And, prayed. And, when I prayed, I felt calm. And when I finally calmed, I recognized the blessed benefit in the situation.
At points in life there comes the rock bottom.
I have been here before.
I have taught myself to move on from situations and relationships that break and pain me. I have learned to remove myself swiftly and to disappear into the dark and somber night. I have found victory in never going back. I have taken pride in being the one who does not put up with the bullshit mistreatment of any other human being.
And, you knew this better than anyone.
Now, I'm a full-blown flame.