My Ex-Boyfriends By Their Astrological Signs (or Throwing Astrological Shade)

Aries: You are the eternal mystery - the perfect fantasy, since you'll never allow me to experience you in real life. Hands down, you're the sexiest man these Sagittarius eyes have ever seen. I could spend the rest of this lifetime listening to you speak, fighting you and reading your letters. You're damn-near impossible to say no to, but you play too much and disappoint so much. You're too full of yourself to ever partner with me. You've been dragging your feet for years, but I suspect that's just because I'm not a priority to you. I'll always love you, obviously - if only for being the ultimate challenge and the only man to ever intimidate me...a little bit. 

Taurus: You are a field of bull dung. You're an obsessive control freak and mind fuck (don't you have anything better to do? No?...Oh...) Have you ever apologized for anything in your life? (No?...Oh) And, who the fuck you trying to control? (Everyone?...Oh) Ooh, I have an idea!! Let's play like distant relatives and barely speak. 

Gemini: You're trouble. Double trouble. My favorite kind of trouble. You are pure fun, my love. And, it truly is all fun and games (and no work). I want to learn everything from you. But, you feel more like a phantom than a real boy. I suppose this would be perfect, if I could trust you.

Cancer: I never faked a single orgasm with you. Not. One. (Never had to) You were the Best. Lover. Ever. I mean, with you I was practically made of water. You showed me what devotion is and came closest to breaking my invincible heart, but that could just be the sex talking.  

Leo: Besides the stoic-aloofness, decision-making aversion, the whole bipolar disorder thing and all the demons roaming the hallways of your soul - you're endearingly awkward and shockingly intelligent (which is totes sexy).  You are utterly convincing in getting me to follow you over a cliff...or more accurately sit in one spot longterm (Have I ever told you you move impossibly slow? Oh I have? 'Cause you move like reeeeeeallyyyyyyy sllllloooowwwwwwly and it annoys the fuck out of case you forgot) You talk a great game, but I'm not really into over-communication or polygamy so, thanks, no thanks. 

Virgo: Your discipline is out of this world. And you are awfully pretty to look at but...Dating you was kind of like dating a girl.  

Libra: You are the ideal man - embodying total confidence, political awareness and Divine Masculinity. I always imagined I'd have a man like you, one day, but men like you don't like girls like me...You know the kind of girl I am don't you? I'm a nose-diving-cliff-jumper and a risk-taker, a reckless type. Is that not balanced enough for you? The only thing I can find wrong with you is that you never chose me.  I would have loved to have a man like you by my side. Ah well, we can just be friends...or not.

Scorpio: Why so serious, bro? I'm 16 and you're the first man to ever propose to me (so my mother hates you now) and you know, I would say yes - I really would - but I thought about it and I'm just not sure I want to be barefoot, pregnant, living on a tourist island for the rest of my life. Next lifetime?  

Sagittarius: You're the late bloomer, probably the one who got away (the only man I ever left to be with another man). You somehow managed to be introverted, shy and gentle while being utterly indestructible. Daaaaaaaaamn B. You were emotionally unavailable or unwilling to engage me sensually (we were both virgins - I think) would have been really perfect, probably. Except, you always felt more like a friend than a Lover. (::fist bump::) 

Capricorn: (Yawn) You're the king of petty (are you proud?), you test without notice (rude!!) and you rehash grudges tirelessly (how are you not tired of saying the same stories over and over again?). You're mechanical in the sack, which makes this (yawn)...What was I saying? Anyway, you have great humor (probably the best) otherwise this is utterly boring. (YAWN!) 

Aquarius: You closed the deal, baby. Made me trust everything you said, even the dumb things. It's been years and I still have all the habits you gave me. Well, the bad ones at least (le sigh). I think you're the only person who could make a prison feel like a refuge. Good job.

Pisces: Did you think I wouldn't find out you slept with one of my best friends, you fickle fish(es) you! Sex was A-1 I'm not go'n lie -- my favorite form of astro-travel, but I don't think I ever saw you sober once. 

I guess this means I'll be dating Spirit for the rest of my life. 

The Bare Maximum

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