It's Valentine's Day and just in time for my Month of Partnership focus.
I am taking the time to explore some of the less-than-helpful thoughts and beliefs that I have swimming around in my noggin regarding marriage, relationships and partnerships. There's an idea that comes up for me, especially today, and especially in this age of "I'mma do me." ::side eye::
I was listening to grace radio yesterday and Alex Wolf shared a couple of things that put relationships into an interesting perspective for me.
- She reminded me that humans are social creatures.
- She pinpointed the fact that we are born into families. So, biologically, we came with built in relationships.
- One's quality of life and degree of happiness rely on the quality of one's relationships and not secondary things like becoming famous or becoming super rich. Studies show that people who don't have quality relationships are more susceptible to depression and tend to die earlier.
To listen to EP 2 of Grace Radio, click here.
Now, since relationships are vital to, you know, LIFE -- I decided to write out a few subtle shifts that we might make in our consciousness to remain open to love (especially romantic love) in our lives. Here goes:
- It's Too Soon To Give Up: I hear people who are barely 30, talking about being tired of relationships and love. (How?) I suppose they have given so much and been disappointed so horribly that they can't imagine going through a process of getting to know someone for a couple of months just to get hurt all over again. I feel you. You've invested a whole six months into this person and it just isn't what you expected. Well, there are a couple of ways to combat enduring MAJOR letdowns like those six month relationships that end in, well, six months.
- (And these are just suggestions). One is don't put out. Don't give it up. It's hard enough knowing this person doesn't recognize how incredibly lucky they are to have you. You don't want to also know that the sex game wasn't enough to hold them, do you? All right, all right. That's offensive. But seriously, why share this most special and intimate part of yourself with someone who has no intention of sticking around? For fun? Surely, you can find other things to do for fun! And, seriously, you 20-somethings should know that NEVER in the history of creation has a woman made a man be with her based purely on sex. A woman could sex a man and create another human like magic and that still wouldn't be enough to keep him if he doesn't want to be kept. The same thing goes for men. Size matters, sort of...but not enough that it will keep a woman. So, take it out of the equation. Now, I know this is 2017 and most of us aren't waiting til marriage before we give our flower to our husband, but is it really too much to consider ourselves sacred enough that we don't give it up to every person we date for a month, meet in a bar or think is cute? When a person is that intimate with you, it's virtually impossible that you don't feel something (especially if you're a female. Maybe this is different for menfolk). If you preserve your sex until commitment, then you might also preserve some of your feelings if things don't work out between the two of you.
- (I know that was a lot. This suggestion will be shorter). Take your time. Slow the relationship process down. By now, maybe you've noticed that excitement is at an all time high in the beginning of the relationship. The pure newness of the situation may be blinding you from seeing what's in front of your eyes. Therefore, use what you know about infatuation to guard yourself, by deliberately slowing down and taking time to actually get to KNOW this person. Trash the fantasies. Who do they say they are? Who are they showing themselves to be? Is this the person you're interested in being with long-term? Are the two of you compatible? (i.e. Are they seeking the type of relationship that you are? What's their track record looking like? Are they demonstrating that they can be trusted and depended upon?)
- The other side of the "take your time" suggestion is this: Decide soon. We have got to move past the erroneous thought that there is a limited supply of lovers on the planet. If the person is demonstrating that they cannot be trusted or aren't up for the type of relationship you're after, change or end the relationship. Back in the saddle you go, my dear.
- Consider it preparation: Knowing what you don't desire, helps you realize what you do desire (AND DESERVE) in a partnership.
- I have a little theory. It's simple. Don't make your future lover pay for the mistakes of your past lover. It's rude and it's disheartening, immature, abusive and painful for your partner, your relationship and yourself.
- You dated someone who cheated on you. Do you feel stronger? Do you feel wiser? Do you consider yourself less likely to give a cheater 20 million opportunities to do better? Do you feel less likely to make excuses for a cheater? Do you have less faith that a cheater who doesn't want to change, will change? Yes? Good! Count it as lessons learned. Relationships that TEACH you (and they ALL teach you something if your mind is open to that sort of thing) are a success. Every past relationship has been a success, even if they ended dramatically, because you have learned. After you learn, you can improve.
- Perfect is perfect, anything less than perfect isn't good enough: I don't know about you but I'm grateful that my Spirit doesn't allow me to play myself. A connection that is less than perfect (which means less than the exact mate Spirit has for me) cannot and will not last.
- Remind yourself that there must be someone PERFECT for you, and that you will do what it takes to connect with him or her. Remind yourself that when you meet that perfect one, all of the things you've been through will prove to have been worth it. Either that, or those past experiences will be the furthest thing from your mind.
- Maybe you don't believe in soul-mates and twin-flames and all of that. Well, I'm of the school of thought that I get to choose my beliefs based on which ones make life better for me. I tell you it's an excellent way to select beliefs and gives the chooser vast freedoms and inner joy. Maybe I can't prove to you in a laboratory that the perfect mate for you exists, but you can't prove to me that he or she doesn't. So, if I'm going to err in belief - I prefer to do so on the side of optimism. Optimists live longer and experience more success in the long run. And, THAT, my friend has been scientifically proven.
So, to sum and wrap this up. Don't give up because until you find the perfect one for you - it's simply too soon to give up. And, when you do find your one, you will see that it's been worth it. In the meantime, don't over commit yourself too soon to any relationship, don't allow yourself to be completely blinded by infatuation and newness, and lastly if it's a no-go let it go and move on before you get in too deep emotionally.
That's All Folks!