Resilient Breakups 101

Hi you! Ayo here. 

I got some juicy stuff for you today. You might need to use what I'm about to share for yourself or pass it on to a friend.  First a question - how are you at...breakups? (smile). I, for one, am dazzling at them! Have you ever wished you could get over the end of a relationship or someone rejecting you with a little more...let's say dignity (lol) and ease? Well, aren't you lucky, My Pretty? That's precisely what I'm in the mood to share with you!

Today, we're talking about (you guessed it!) break-ups, but not the miserable sort - nope, who has time for that? - instead we're focusing on the specific tools that I use to have pleasurable and resilient (and at times, even blissful and hilarious) breakups. The good news, is you're likely already using many of these strategies, and I just get to share with you how to use them in more fulfilling, satisfying and empowering ways than before. Yay!!!!!!! Right?

Now, for the bad news. They won't work for those of us who are addicted to our suffering, and use that suffering to excuse ourselves from making progress and moving forward with and in our lives. You probably know the type I'm talking about. She's that girlfriend - the one who's been talking about the same ex for years and just can't seem to get over him or her. And, you being the duly polite person you are - continue to listen, and listen, and listen...and listen. And listen some more! Like, Geezus, does this woman think about anything else? I've been there. I still haven't gotten over one ex in particular, but that's simply because I don't want to. Ha! So, that's the thing - you gotta WANT to put your old boo behind you and onward march into your future (and into the faithful arms of a new boo, hehe). 

So, you know those friends we love to love and hate to be HONEST with, because God forbid we hurt them with the truth (which is NOT the intention, ever) and they talk crazy about us for the next several years. Yeah, send them this blog. Hell, send it to all your girlfriends - we could all use some breakup therapy and wisdom, every now and again. 

OK. Now, that we're clear - let's get on with the list of ways to have AN EXTREMELY RESILIENT AND BLISSFUL BREAKUP. 

1. Enjoy - This is going to sound like a contradiction to what I just said about those of us who are addicted to the suffering, but it's the first step.  When a breakup (or any shift in a relationship occurs) you have entered into new territory - especially if you two had pretty integrated lives. There is an unknown, a mystery and likely some grief directly ahead. These are real emo-times, and I fully give you permission to be dark for a little while - but ONLY a little while. This is where serial sufferers get shit confused. They find too much identity and pleasure in this emo thing, but this was never meant to be a lifetime thing - this is a short-term ride, baby. You get to enjoy the new spaces around you - the spaces that used to be filled by your now-ex. The closet, bed, kitchen table, sofa, passenger seat of your car, time, weekend, schedule, nights, 3/4 of the blanket - all that shit you used to share - all that space. It might feel strange, cold, scary, lonely, depressing, dark or whatever - but, those are precisely the new spaces you will work with the Universe to FILL with fresh new delights and wonders (and duh! a new boo-thang). But, there is no rush. You don't have to fill it up as soon as that door closes (#NoMoreRebounds). Give yourself a moment (and maybe your  moment is a few days or weeks - or even months, but please set a cut off date because there are too many fine ass men walking around this peace for you to be depressed over Malik for the rest of your glorious life). But, Malik was wonderful (well, probably not THAT wonderful, see Number 3 and 4). So, the first thing is to choose to enjoy this new phase you've just entered. Take a few breaths and feel whatever you feel. Despite what people say - crying feels good, being angry feels good, even grieving with a bottle of wine can be cathartic - all in the proper contexts, of course. 


2. Do Everything You Wouldn't Do, and Nothing You Would: Now, this tip, I can't even take credit for - it was given to me by my friend Fragile, when I was leaving my husband. I'm not sure if she meant it the way I took it, but here's how I put this advice into practice: First of all, I did everything I wasn't able or allowed to do when I was married. I stayed out late, went to the gay club, drank wine, kept all my own money and traveled. But more importantly, I stopped going to places we'd go, eating foods we'd eat, drinking beverages we'd drink (Gosh, I missed my hazelnut coffee), stopped all communication with him and his family, deleted his name and number, archived and deleted all past emails, cleared my call log, slowly let go of everything he had any connection with whatsoever, stopped using certain vocabulary, stopped dressing the way he preferred, stopped listening to music we listened to together - I quit EVERYTHING that reminded me of this n--, I mean, this man. You know what? We (me and my girls) even stopped talking about him, unless necessary, in which case, we gave him a new name "Not Important." Like Li'l Wayne said in that song Truffle Butter. Did you know most people say their lover's name  more than their own name? My mama said, always love yourself most and first - this single tip of "doing everything I wouldn't and nothing I would" helped me live this advice from my mama in real life and real time. I don't think I heard myself say this man's name for a solid six months and then it sounded weird. I even FORGOT my husband's name a couple of times. (Maybe that's just me). Next!

3. Remember The Bad Times: And while we're on the topic of MEMORIES...Most of y'all act like y'all never  had a reason to breakup in the first place. What is that about? Like you stored up all the perfect memories of this person and forgot all the bad? And, when you think back (which will become increasingly unlikely the more your align with suggestion Number 2) - you only think about the good times. How the ____ are you supposed to get over Not Important if you're fantasizing about how good his pancakes were? Can you sort of see how we sabotage ourselves during a breakup? If you insist on thinking about the past - think of how he cheated, lied, abused, mismanaged finances, slandered you, berated you,  annoyed you, irritated you - anything other than how good the you know what was, for Christ's sake. This  is how a lot of y'all keep sliding, and falling and running back only to play the exact same drama out over countless times with the same tired ass ex!

4. Smash Pedestals  This tip is one I've been promoting for literally YEARS. It's specifically designed for those of you who experience the dreadful disappointment of rejection. This comes in handy in those situations where you were cheated on, left for somebody else or had a crush overlook you! Ouch, ow, owieeee! We all hate these instances, but only because we've put this other person (our would-be lover) on a pedestal. We've given him undeserved authority over our minds and emotions. We've fantasized until this person just seems so wonderful and perfect in our minds. And it's all a bogus ass LIE. He ain't perfect, and if he overlooked you - he has bad fucking taste to boot. So, smash pedestals by focusing on the negatives and imperfections - bring him down from the level of shiny ass demigod in your mind and make him a basic ass human, pronto! Remind yourself he shits, wakes up with funky breath, probably isn't all that intelligent, has an average stroke game, has poor taste (as I already mentioned), is shallow - whatever you've noticed that you don't like so far and remind yourself of those characteristics until you are OVER it.  And tired of the thought of this person.   

5. Enter Fantasy-Land Breakup season is NO time to lie to yourself about how happy you could have been. Instead fantasize about how happy you'll be now that this headache is out of your life! Use your imagination to strengthen you - forget thinking about how he's giving his new girl all the old, weak shit he gave you - instead fantasize about your new boo will put it down. If your new one isn't on the scene yet, no worries. Be thankful for the fresh new opportunity to  meet someone new and experience the heat and passion of a new love (first date, first kiss, those unsure text messages and hearing him say I love you for the first time Mmm-mmm-mm!).

6. Turn Your Records Up: Here's anther top-secret thing I have done religiously since I was a teenager dealing with the heartbreak of young love - which is something serious! I listen to music (not the stuff you listened to with your ex and definitely none of that sappy "Why'd you have to go" and "I want you back" bullshit either). Listen to those "I'm the shit!" tracks and create a mental movie and run it over and over - change scenes and outfits and do it until you're the  Queen of your own show again. For instance, one of my favorite scenes to run is me entering a conference and being adored by all my friends - rocking fly clothes and jewelry - sometimes I come in with my new boo - sometimes I work the room alone - but always my ex is there not saying shit - looking dumb. I derive great pleasure from this, because the emotions don't know what's real or imagined. You're probably imagining running into your ex and his new girl out somewhere in public...or imagining what all your friends will say when they find out that he dumped you for some Karadashian wanna-be - Nawwww boo... F*** that! Use your imagination for YOU. Don't sell yourself out, inside of your own mind. 

7. Fuel Your Forward Motion: And while we're talking about visualizing yourself at your absolute best stunting on your ex - we might as well make this thing manifest! Most of us run into comforts and habits to make ourselves feel better immediately after a breakup - but if you can flex your discipline muscles just a little bit - maybe add a little anger to spice things up - you can really make this a resilient breakup (without the shame of using someone on the rebound) and stunt in the real world, for real. Get a promotion, start a business, write a book, go to the gym and get that body right, change your hair style (WARNING: Do not. I repeat, DO NOT get half drunk and hack your hair off in the mirror yourself. That never ends well.), get a makeover, relocate across the country, go on an extended vacation. Shake this whole shit up - leave your ex and all of your worries in your dust and get the hell away - especially if you got some great girlfriends willing to do a cross-country road trip. Choose to do something super duper fun and fulfilling with friends who aren't even about to LET you cry and complain over dumb-dumb the entire time. An even better option would be to give yourself a longterm passion project to work on with close friends. I started working on a documentary and got to interview all types of wonderful people with my girls and started a new career after separating from Not Important. I don't think I laughed as much in that entire last year with him as I did in the month after leaving. When I tell you that I did not THINK about this dude - I am telling you the whole truth and nothing but the truth.   

8. And my last and BEST tip is simply to take care of yourself the way they just couldn't or wouldn't.

So, there you have it folks - Ayo's exclusive tips on how to maintain your wholeness and poise while letting go of that broken thing. 

I'd love to hear your feedback on this - drop me a line in the comment box below. Let me in on some of your breakup best practices.

Until next time, love!


My Passion, My Purpose, My Desire

Conversations with Spirit: Is God Testing Me?